The Only Toxic I Like Is By Britney Spears, thankyouverymuch.
I remember when I first learned about “toxic positivity.” I was preparing to host Dr. Susan David for a speaking engagement and was reading about her work, including the book Emotional Agility. As a Harvard Medical School psychologist, Dr. David emphasizes that suppressing difficult emotions undermines resilience and well-being. She argues that true emotional agility involves acknowledging and navigating all emotions, not just the pleasant ones.
This was one of those lightening bolt to the brain + heart moments. It explained many challenging past experiences. It encapsulated my general dislike of anything resembling a platitude (there are NO live, laugh, love signs in my house).
As leaders, in today’s fast-paced and competitive work environments, it is tempting to believe that positivity- at all times!- is a key to success. However, when positivity is excessive, when it is dismissive of genuine emotions, it has a detrimental impact. Toxic positivity can be as damaging to psychological safety as any other negative behavior. For me, its one of the biggest offenses a leader can make. I like to quote Adam Grant who says "optimism is not essential to well-being.
So, what can you do? How do you balance your desire to inspire others while also leaving space for the genuine, HUMAN emotions they possess? Here are three scenarios and some “instead of ____, try this _____” suggestions. See if any of these sound familiar.
Such aggressive thumbs!
SCENE 1
An employee raises a valid concern about workload or unrealistic deadlines or a lack of clarity from stakeholders.
INSTEAD OF: "Just stay positive—we’ll get through it!"
TRY: “Those are valid concerns. I know you’re capable of doing great work and I’m hearing some fear. Is that accurate? How can I help you move forward?
WHY: The initial response might feel dismissive AND it eliminates your ability to coach the employee through the process. As a leader you are going to create a better dialogue, for the long term, if you coach the employee through the experience of deciding. It is worth noting that many leaders equate resilience with the ability to "power through" and stay positive. Resilience comes from actions driven through acknowledging and processing a full range of emotions. Again, through a coach approach you can help the employee discover solutions they might not have considered- but you will not get there with a skewed view of what resilience means.
SCENE 2
In team meetings, critical feedback or challenges are brushed aside or deferred to the mysterious date and time of later.
INSTEAD OF: "Let’s not dwell on the negative—focus on the good!" OR “I don’t want to get stuck in those kinds of details right now, let’s just think about what is possible.”
TRY: using a Six Thinking Hats approach. This means you allocate focused time for ideation, optimism, and risk management. In team meetings, I like to ask everyone to wear one hat at the same time. As the leader you might say “the Black Hat components are very important for us to address. Let’s take 5 minutes now on the creative possibilities and then hold 5 minutes for the risks and challenges.”
WHY: In the words of Dr. Susan David, "Courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking" and we want to honor the courage it takes to be the person speaking up. Often this person is not alone in thought, they might just be the only one brave enough to say it.
SCENE 3
A new senior leader is joining your leadership team meeting to say hello and answer a few questions. As the leader of the team, you know they are rock solid and executing very well.
INSTEAD OF: “Let’s all remember to smile and ask questions that let them know we are onboard for anything the future holds.”
TRY: “This is a good chance for us to understand what the future might hold and just get to know them a bit more. I have already shared the team’s 3 goals and top 3 challenges, what questions could you ask beyond those topics?”
WHY: First, haven’t we all learned by now to never tell someone to smile? Beyond that, your job as a leader is to empower others, not police them. If you direct an expression of emotion, I can almost guarantee you that what you will really get is a reduction in valuable contribution from at least one person.
While the statements above may seem harmless, they can create a culture of avoidance where employees feel unsafe expressing genuine concerns. This lack of psychological safety can erode trust, stifle innovation, and lead to higher turnover rates. Toxic positivity thrives in workplaces where leaders and employees alike believe that maintaining an upbeat attitude is essential for productivity and morale. It is easy to see why this approach is appealing: it creates an illusion of harmony, avoids uncomfortable conversations, and aligns with the cultural narrative that resilience means suppressing negative emotions. But eventually illusions shatter… or at the very least they don’t deliver sustainable results.
